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10:14pm 05/01/2009
  a list of things, 5 days into 2009.

-i got my septum pierced on friday. it felt real and good. the pain was like nothing i had ever felt before, and i think that that was a lot of the reason that I wanted to do it. i wanted to not feel like myself, i wanted to feel new, and i was so prepared for it to hurt. i was not, however, prepared for it to hurt that much. OUCH. crossing my eyes and seeing a blurry bloody spike in my face was... new.

-tonight is my first night alone in new paltz during break. im trying to be aware of what i'm feeling, the difference between me feeling alone and me feeling lonely. the house feels bigger, less bright, the sounds are louder, and my nap on the couch was full of bad dreams.

-i just wrote a text to michael and saved it in my drafts on my phone. it was the second time i've done that, the first time being on new years eve. seeing jason and kiley as soon as i walked into nicole's party on new years eve was a giant blow to the stomach. where is he, is he here, am i really dealing with michael and all the feelings associated with him as soon as i start my night? i didn't, in fact, end up having to see him--jenny didn't feel well so michael was staying in with her. or so kiley had told me.

-i go through so many emotions involving him every day, every hour, every 10 minutes. there are times that i believe he misses me just as much as i miss him. i believe that i'm better off without him. i believe that i'll never see him again. i believe that every time i leave my house here in new paltz i need to look impeccable, that every car that passes me on the street could be him, that if i look good he'll miss me more, that he'll call me and everything will be better. i believe that when i do see him, at oasis or on the street, that i'll fall apart, have a panic attack, vomit in the bathroom, and do drugs to not feel anything. i believe that he is dating john again, that he is so relieved to be rid of me, my neurosis, and all my hangups with sex. i believe that im worth it and he'll realize that one day and it'll be too late, i'll have moved on again, and that we'll never really be on the same page ever in this lifetime. i believe that this semester will bring us back together, that i'll be able to be his friend more than i was this semester, and that this will be just a blip in the larger context of our relationship. i believe he wasn't right for me. i believe he was still too simple. i believe that he couldn't fulfill me, and didn't understand how complex i was. i believe we will still have that night that we talked about after true blood, laying in bed, discovering each other.

-i believe that none of those things matter, that, as tom told me in therapy the other week, all i need to be concerned with is what the universe is trying to teach me in all of this. and that, i think, is what i really need help with.

-kt moved into her new paltz with thea and i visited last night. it's amazing. im jealous. and i plan to visit a whole lot.

-i am going to work on my art all day tomorrow unless i go home to celebrate my mother's birthday. i miss her and i miss my sister. oh, right. my sister got engaged.

-i just realized that i have never spent a night alone in this house and that i'm scared! haha. 21 years old and scared to sleep alone. michael could really come in handy right now. hmmph!

goodnight.		  
     

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01:45am 27/12/2008
  fuck this, fuck this, fuck this. how do things just disappear, why do things never line up, how do you not call someone after feeling so much and learning so much and believing in it so much, and how on earth did i do this to him twice before.

i hate this i hate this i hate this.		  
     

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03:31am 22/12/2008
  i cant sleep.
so many dreams last night and the night before and the night before that.
im listening to come in from the cold by joni mitchell.
i don't want to go home tomorrow.
i don't want to drive past michael's house on the way out of new paltz and negotiate with myself whether or not i should look to see if his car is in the driveway (what would that do?).
i wish could be as receptive to sara as i know she wants me to be.
i want to be able to look into the future and see exactly what will happen. how long it will take before he'll call, if he'll ever call, if i'll stop caring long before i think that i will.
i just read journal entries from 2005. thinking how i was so different and that in some ways i'm still the same.
sometimes i want to be able to talk and talk and talk because i think that if i talk enough, everything possible to be said about someone will eventually be said. and when there's nothing left, it'll be gone and dead. two weeks later, i just want it to be dead.
he said to me recently that when he breaks up with someone, he processes it like they're dead. not the relationship, but the actual person.
i'm not dead, michael.
i hate andrew trying to get over someone. he is so hard to be with.
i wish i could fall asleep.		  
     

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01:27am 21/12/2008
  what else am i supposed to do when tealights are lit, the wine is gone, and im listening to sarah mclachlan's version of I'll Be Home for Christmas?

i don't know what this semester was. i don't know where it went, how it felt so fleeting but was also filled with so much emotion, and it's ending with me going home only for 10 days out of break but coming back up here, to my room on the top floor, filled with tealights and big windows and not enough heat.

i found art this semester. i think before this semester, i was doing what i thought would get me praise. i did big portraits, splashes of bright color, so much texture. it was so loud. i was being so loud but i dont think i was really saying anything. so now it's different. there is no figure, there's no person for me to cling on to. it was a crutch. or as kathy said, I was "carrying around a dead dog." it just feels good right now. and right. and i feel like im saying something. that no one else is saying at my school. and it feels amazing.

i found love. yea. i know. love. it was something that i didnt want, wasnt expecting--especially from michael--but it happened and it was real. real for as long as it lasted. i haven't spoken to michael in a week and a half, save for the two times i contacted him this week--first with a text ("I miss you" -- GOD I hate being that person, HATE IT) and the second with a call on his voicemail today saying that I hoped he was doing well with how crazy work was going. i don't know what happened. the talk last wednesday was about him being scared, him needing to take a few steps back, him feeling pressured. and I've been there. i've been there for 3 and a half years ever since mark. i've been there with michael twice before, two years in a row. i've broken his heart twice before, made him feel like a fool, tried to make it up to him, and fallen for him in the process. I finally feel ready. i felt like it was real. those two months from late september to late november were perfect. or so i'd like to think now. i felt pressured too, pressured in ways that i had forgotten about unless i read them in my journal. but it was full of courting. nights of sleepovers and sweet gestures and texts right after hanging out with each other and real things. REAL. THINGS. me feeling like myself and feeling heard and understood and safe. it was so much.

it was so much but sometimes all it boils down to is the fact that i miss him and i don't understand why that isn't enough. i miss him and i want him here and i know that a month ago he felt so much and now he feels so little. it was SO much.

and now it's nothing and i don't know why and i dont know what to do. i am so prepared--especially after these past 10 days--to let it go. to start letting it dissolve and to start getting over him and what we had and to erase things but there is so much i want to fight for. yea! i'm ready to fight. isn't that what people want and what people see in the movies all the time? Things get hard and then someone fights for someone's love. they send them things and make big grand gestures and let the other person know that they are worth fighting for and worth love. why can't that be what the real world is like? i was ready for something to grow and bloom and become a part of me. and now it's nothing. i don't understand it sometimes. people are in love all the time, in long term relationships and have amazing times with amazing people--i had them with mark, michael had a 6 year relationship with carl, kt and alexis are in the middle of one right now--what is it about me that makes it so hard for it to happen?

i know i did nothing wrong, but sometimes--like right now, late at night--i think to myself. well what the fuck happened then? If i did nothing wrong, then what is going on? i had to have done something wrong for him to stop feeling whatever it was that he was feeling. i am tired of this. i'm so tired.

the last tealight just died and the sarah mclachlan album just ended.

i guess i'm going to bed.		  
     

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01:39pm 13/12/2008
  a list, hungover, happy, and listening to bonnie raitt:
-michael and i talked. he's scared. we're taking steps back. we haven't talked in 3 days.
-the moment he told me that something was up, my whole body lifted. i knew i wasn't crazy, i found out what was going on, and i was finally able to breathe for the first time in 8 days.
-sara and i are back on track.
-i'm not going to be on long island for winter break. or the majority of it. i came to the conclusion with my mom that i can't be home for 4 weeks straight. i feel too young, too depressed, and too disconnected to deal with when i'm home. so it's 7 days and that's it. back to new paltz to work on my thesis.
-i successfully said no to drugs 6 times last night. look at me!
-being drunk with sara and angela last night in my room was the best time i've had with them in a long, long time, and i know im going to look back on last night a long time from now and miss it.
-kt, alexis and i are obsessed with each other right now.
-what should I read over winter break?
-sigh. all i've been feeling over the past 2 weeks is one great big sigh.		  
     

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01:48am 09/12/2008
  i don't know what's going on anymore, and this feeling--of not being able to sleep, of wanting to crawl out of my skin, of wondering what's underneath all that's unsaid--is so familiar. and i hate it.

i need a reprieve.		  
     

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11:24pm 05/12/2008
  im not crazy
im intense.

as tom put it tuesday night in therapy.

you need to stop saying you're crazy. you're you. and that's okay.		  
     

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02:54am 24/11/2008
  things that are keeping me up right now:

-listening to alison krauss in the most pleasantly hurtful way.
-im excited to go home on tuesday. i am, however, already anxious about the 5 days flying by and feeling like i barely saw anyone i actually wanted to.
-there are times that i have so many contradicting feelings about me and michael's relationship that i think, literally, that i may burst. with happiness. and with fear. and with confusion. and with so many things. too many things.
-im going back to therapy next tuesday. it can't come soon enough.
-i dont understand so many parts of myself right now. why don't i think im able to talk about it with michael.
-i'm tired of being vilified by my family. it's how it's always been and im afraid it's how it's always going to be.
-art. my art! oh my art, my art, my art. the magic is back. and it's given me wings.
-so many people--too many people--in my life that i love i haven't spoken to. ari. genna. ruth. cara. ilana. even eden and lindsay. i miss so much.
-why couldn't i let go at mr. black on friday? im ready to let go.
-i need toni morrison's new book!
-i need a dialogue in smithtown. stat.

goodnight.		  
     

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03:01am 30/10/2008
  a few things, 3 01 am, thursday morning before halloween.

-listening to joni mitchell while driving through the woods never loses its luster.
-i'm losing steam with my art. keep going.
-i miss my mother. and my father. and watching life as a house did not help.
-stop pushing people away.
-michael. michael? michael! michael... michael;
-i have gone to sleep the last three nights not wanting to wake up in the morning.
-i can't stop thinking of everything, no matter what, coming to an end.
-all that you have is your soul. so says tracy chapman.
-what if you don't have that?
-being with michael has made me want to call everyone i've ever liked and figured out what went wrong.
-i am so beyond fucked up. fucked up doesn't even describe it. it's just annoying now.

there. perfect. andrew brischler is hereby no longer fucked up, but just annoying.

i have got to get out of this mess in my head.		  
     

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02:09am 23/10/2008
  over the course of the past 2 1/2 months (or maybe, i think, over the past 4 weekends, ever since that Giant Talk on the floor of my room), michael and i have developed something that i didn't think was in the cards. i don't think he thought it was in the cards either. in fact, i'm sure he didn't.

i need to remember that this is not what has come before it. it isnt mark, justin, peter, evan, or the few times michael have tried this before. it isn't bad memories, bad relationships, overanalysis from when i was 18. it isnt me being a victim. it isn't pre surgery. it isn't a race against time or long distance or me trying so hard to figure out who i am in the presence of a man.

it is a real thing. so real that there are nights that i go to bed and imagine horrible, very bad scenarios because it's what i'm used to, but it's not what this is. it's not cheating or unanswered phone calls or sex with ex's or teasing or me feeling young, small, and unheard.

i have lived my entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop and on many, many occasions it has. how do i change that mindset, live without constant (and i mean constant) panic that all of it will disappear, that he will lose interest, and that it will all be a giant mess of rejection, anxiety, awkwardness, and too many drunk nights trying to get over another thing that never fully materialized. is there a way to live without that sense of inevitable badness without getting hurt?

i need to relax
i need to calm down
i need to be with michael more
i need to realize that i am not going anywhere, he is not going anywhere, and that this is growing, not going away, and that he has said amazing things.

i need to remember that this is great, he is great, and that my life is still stable, real, happy, and full with him in it.

i need to go to bed tonight without having bad dreams and without waking up afraid of something terrible happening.

no matter what, it's going to be okay. better than okay. great even.		  
     

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